Why?

Why? It’s the question that keeps nagging me.  Why did we end up like this? Why did you do that? Why do you hate me that much? Why do I still love you despite the things you’ve said and done?

Looking back, I would never have thought that this would be our ending, that what we had, whatever it was would actually end.  At the least, I wanted to keep you, even only as a friend.  Maybe, it’s because I got greedy… I was greedy.

I was greedy for wanting more from you.  I fell in love in the process of knowing you.  Every little thing that I discovered about you, I loved it.  Realizing this, I got scared, depressed, knowing I may not be who you want, much more love.  It pains me, that our age gap, me, being older than you would hit me in the face with the stamp of rejection.  Still, I hoped, and put my faith in what we had, which at that time, felt so real and true and honest.  I told myself, what the heck, I should just go for it, risk it, and enjoy the feeling.  So I became greedy, needy of your attention.  The moment you failed to reply to my messages, I immediately felt that something must be wrong.  You would later reply and tell me everything’s fine with you, and I don’t need to worry.  For a time I believed that, but inside me, the fear of you slipping away from me was always there.

You probably won’t understand that feeling, of losing someone you love who’s also not yours, to begin with.  I was a mere friend to you when to me you were much more.

Our conversations meant the world to me.  Your presence made my heart skip a beat.  Yes, I fell in love you, did I planned to do so?  No, well maybe, can you even plan that?  Besides is there a point in explaining now?  You’ve cut me off.  That’s why I’m like this.  Torn, bruised, wounded.  I never expected it to end this way.  Your a “good guy” you can’t possibly be that cruel.  You won’t hurt me.  But you did, you chose to.

Why?  Yes, I made some terrible mistakes.  It’s not like I did it on purpose.  You should understand that I was emotional, therefore irrational.  You should have been more forgiving, more understanding like I was to you.

Once you told me that I was just overthinking, yes, you were right in saying so.  I was overthinking.  Mainly because you didn’t wanna talk to me.  I kept having our conversations in my head, playing every possible scenario that would somehow help me make sense of it all.  Why you were acting that way.  It hurts, it honestly does, and you didn’t care.

Do you know how much it hurts?  You didn’t just reject me, you hated me and I can’t understand why.  It hurts so much that the one I love hates me so much.  I hope you’ll never experience that because all I want is for you to be happy.

Why can’t I hate you?  That would be easier.  I love you!  I don’t hate you.  If you ask me to forget everything and be the way we were before, I wouldn’t even think twice.  You’re more important to me now than my pride.

Can you understand that?  You wouldn’t know anyway.  We no longer talk.  We’re strangers now, and I hate it.

Every day I pray for everything to be okay with you.  I pray for your healing.  I won’t stop praying until my prayer gets answered.

I LOVE YOU, forgive me.

The Thing About Me

 

Well, what can I say really?  What you see is what you get.  I’m a hopeless romantic.  Still hoping the person I love would love me back.  Even if he had hurt me a thousand times.

Maybe I’ll snap out of it and give up eventually.  Maybe…

Now, I’m overwhelmed with my feelings for him.  I LOVE HIM! That’s all I know.